Random Ramblings

It’s time for a new blog type, somewhat similar to Andrew’s Random Rants (from ages ago), but shorter and to the point, without having to listen to me rant about it. You instead get to subject your eyes to the torture. So, without further ado…

I just don’t understand people who put advertisements on the backs of their cars. “Finally! Safe Natural Skin Care for Infants! Call 503-555-5555 for more info.” Do they seriously think that I’m going to drop everything (while DRIVING) and say “Good golly, miss Molly, my infant could use some of THAT! I’ll call RIGHT NOW!”? Maybe the ploy is to get me to ram their car inadvertently so they can collect the insurance money, and the ad is all just a fiendish plot to distract me into doing so?

And some of the ads make you really wonder, “Who writes this stuff?”

Case and point: “Latin Repair Service. 503-555-2345″ This means one of three things:
1) “If your Latin’s broke, we’ll fix it.”
2) “If you need a Spanish Speaking Repair Man, I’m writing my window sign in English for you.”
3) “I’m not really Latin, I’m just hoping to get your affirmative action jobs for minorities with this neat sign.”

If I were in control of the government, I’d ban those from the backs of cars. I’d probably follow by banning those in-car portable DVD players installed on the ceiling in the car. If I got a dollar for every time I nearly rear-ended someone from trying to figure out what they were watching, I could probably retire…

Tags: Humor, I Just Don't Understand... by Andrew Laine
1 Comment »

Well, as of right now, I’m leaning towards a study on the most time-honored French military tactic: Surrender.

(Apologies to any French reading this… Me gusta Francais.)

…

Oh, wait… that was Spanish…

Tags: Humor by Andrew Laine
No Comments »

I’m cleaning up my hard drives and backing stuff up before I wipe the whole thing (again) and start over, and in doing so, I’m finding some amusing stuff.

For instance, a list of jokes I cracked at my mother as we were on vacation in California three years back when I read words on signs I could use.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Zamora.
Zamora who?
Can I have Zamora those potatoes?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dunnigan.
Dunnigan who?
I did the dishes twice, now I’m Dunnigan.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dunnigan.
Dunnigan who?
I told this joke before, now I’m Dunnigan.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Datewood.
Datewood who?
Every time Johnny went out, his Datewood stand him up.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Redding.
Redding who?
What’s your address? I’m having trouble Redding the house number.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Manzanita.
Manzanita who?
Jimmy can’t cook, that Manzanita woman.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arbuckle.
Arbuckle who?
My wife and I can’t use our belts, someone took Arbuckles.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Covelo.
Covelo who?
Covelo-er your speed a bit? You’re cornering awful fast.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Leggett.
Leggett who?
Leggett me, I’m dancin’!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Eureka.
Eureka who?
Some people stink, but Eureka somethin’ awful.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Weott.
Weott what?
…
Weott who?
You ruined my joke, mom.
Sorry, start again.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Weott.
Weott who?
Weott to start the joke over again, we really screwed it up.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Redwood.
Redwood who?
Red Green is awesome, anytime something broke, Redwood fix it with duct tape.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Redcrest.
Redcrest who?
I Redcrest is recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Pepperwood.
Pepperwood who?
Pepperwood make you sneeze.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hugo.
Hugo who?
If Hugo any faster, I’ll scream.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Albany.
Albany who?
I used to raise rabbits, but Albanys ran off.

Or this video I crafted ages ago using Half Life’s multiplayer function…

Opposing Force Survival Tips ..1

Good times, good times… Back when I had nothing better to do… :P

Tags: Humor by Andrew Laine
2 Comments »

I made another one…

moar funny pictures

Tags: Humor by Andrew Laine
No Comments »

Ahoy, folks! I’m back with another oddity of the internet. Many of you are familiar with the LoLcatz phenomenon of taking random cat pictures and putting captions on them in poor english, for instance, like so:

moar funny pictures

Well, I found recently on the site icanhascheezburger.com a lolcatz generator, in which you, dear reader, can make your own cats with captions. I even did one!

moar funny pictures

And last, but not least, a cartoon that I found funny relating to the subject:

Tags: Humor by Andrew Laine
No Comments »

Tags: Humor by Andrew Laine
No Comments »

My previous random unexplained quote wound up being a bit of a disappointment, because the scene from the church Christmas skit I was in that I said the line in actually got cut. Basically, during the final inspection portion of the skit, I approached the sanctuary doors (which at this point did not have locks in them) and said “Why aren’t there any locks on these doors?” to which John said, “Oh, we just haven’t gotten them yet, but we’ll get that finished soon.” I turned, looked him straight on, and with a (suprisingly) straight face, said, “Do you want an Amber Alert, Mr. Coulette?”.
“What?”
“If you don’t have locks on these doors, it’s a security hazard. Anyone could walk in here and leave with one of your children. Get it fixed.”
Dave actually cut a lot of material, most of it mine (after John I think I had the largest speaking part). There were a few that I was sorry to see go (The scene where I get in an argument with John behind the building about whether or not the cross in the concrete constituted an unpermitted sign, for example, or the part at the end of the inspection where John asks, “When am I getting my occupancy permit?” and I replied “Frankly, Mr. Coulette, when you pry it from my cold dead fingers”. We had to shoot that scene twice because I lost it halfway though the line because we’d shot John burying my stunt double out back already). There were a couple of other choice moments that I was sorry to see not make it in that weren’t mine, mostly the scene where John asked Wilbur (played by Richard) how long it’s going to take, and Wilbur replied “Well Done, John.”
“What?”
“You want to know how I like my steak? Well done. I remember growing up as a kid, dinner at my house was a religious experience: it was either a burnt offering or a bloody sacrifice.”
Anyway, after helping with this year’s skit, I hope I get used next year. I also hope I get the chance to do a scene with Andy (who plays Pastor Lindsey in the skits), because he ad-libs all of his stuff, so the randomness that might come out of such a combination could be hilarious.

Tags: Andrewisms, Humor by Andrew Laine
No Comments »

I recently had someone show me this website. It’s basically a parody of the Nintendo DS game Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. I’ve never played the game, mind you, but something about the whole idea of the site makes me giggle like a moron.
(Yes, I am easily amused…)
Additionally, I’m presently engaged in the epic debate about my facial hair. Do I keep it all? Do I shave it all off? Do I shave off the majority of the beard and keep the goatee? Do I shave off the goatee and keep the sideburns? (Ewww… on second thought, scratch that last one for sure) At present, I’m thinking just shave the whole thing off and start over.
And finally, the random cute child story of the day goes to… Devin, our Pastor’s son, who, this morning during sound check, had his sister ask him, “Devin, what does Santa say?” to which he replied with a gleam in his eye, “Ho, ho, ho…”. It was darn near about the cutest thing I’ve seen since this:

Okay, maybe not THAT cute, but not too far off.
…
*eyeballs the picture*
…
Dadgumit, now I want a kitten…
…
Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone, if you don’t hear from me the next couple days, it’s probably because I got killed by a rabid shopper during my last minute Christmas shopping. I might be armed, but let’s face it: There are certain things bullets don’t stop, and a woman ready to attack you with a butcher knife for touching the last Tickle Me Elmo tends to be one of them. If I die, tell my family I love them, and there’s a box buried behind my childhood home with valuable treasure in it.
…
Okay, okay, I think I buried a G.I. Joe back there that might be worth money if I’d never played with it and buried it in the garden not knowing any better. I was young(er) and stupid(er) once…

Tags: Humor by Andrew Laine
No Comments »

Now, by reading this blog post’s title, I know what you’re thinking: “He’s lost it. He’s bonkers. No one over the age of 7 should be playing that.”

Ah, but there’s a twist.

You see, I have the ultimate Pokemon. In my possession, I have the one card that trumps all, and the game would go something like this:

Me: Hey kid, let’s play.
Kid: Okay, Mister. Chimichar, I choose you!
Me: A good choice, kid, but not good enough…
*flops his sole card down on the table*
Me: Jack Bauer, I choose you.
Kid: *stunned silence, jaw agape*
Me: Game over. Gimme your cards, kid.
Kid: *still in stunned silence, jaw agape, slides his deck across the table*
Me: And close your mouth. You’ll catch a fly doing that.
*Andrew walks away victorious, 8 year old breaks down crying like a little girl*

Y’see, my Season 6 of 24 came with a Jack Bauer card for the 24 Card Game.

Yes, they have a 24 card game.

No, I don’t play it.

No, I don’t intend to play it.

Yes, Jack Bauer can win in any card game situation I put him in.

Tags: Humor by Andrew Laine
2 Comments »

“Would you like an Amber Alert, Mr. Coulette?”
~Explanation to come after December 7th

Tags: Andrewisms, Humor by Andrew Laine
No Comments »