Random Ramblings

I have a particular friend in mind when thinking of this song, odds are that friend’s not going to read this ever, but I figured I’d post it anyway…

Taught young, the world’s wisdom
I told life’s a game, the earth will be your stadium
Be alert, pay attention
(One day) Even your friends will become the competition
Trust no one but do remember this, never burn any potential bridges
Know who’s who, and what they can do for you
And don’t feel bad cause’ in the end they’re gonna do it to you too
Remember life’s not fair
In order to maintain, your gonna have to let you sensitivity be trained
A machine more than a human being
What you say doesn’t always have to be what you mean
Tell them what they want to hear if it’s to your benefit
And words beyond closed doors are insignificant
Push yourself, never be satisfied
Even if you don’t get it, at least you died knowing you tried

Born, live, strive, succeed
Gain it all, bye, now it’s time to leave…
Now, all we see is now

Taught young, the world’s wisdom
Begin to pay attention and make my own observations
All of the kids working hard for admiration
Trying their best not to meet their social expiration
Kind of hard in a world this finicky
Easily praised and yet destroyed just as quickly
I guess me and this world must not be compatible, cause I don’t want its approval to feel valuable

So who’s next to climb the wall of success, just to see how good the top truly gets
Chasing lies disguised as going somewhere only to arrive and realize it’s really no where’
That’s even if you get there in the first place
What an incredible let down we’re bound to face when we substitute purpose for cheap counterfeit
Too busy trying to succeed in life that we forget to live it
You can live in the infinite or give in to the immediate
Gain it all but someday you’ll have to leave it
This world is temporary and it’s heart is selfish
Think to yourself, is this what wealth is
But now, all we see is now and now is not a bad thing but now does bring tomorrow then
Now becomes then
Moments escape, new ones replace them
Don’t want to face the end still searching
Asking what in this world did I ever find worth in
What could be worse than life of wasted years
Nothing lasting, nothing true, nothing dear
I fear losing beauty in pursuit of bigger things
I fear a broken home courtesy of the American dream
Maybe that’s just me with my emotions on my sleeve, but one way or another we all wear what we believe

Born, live, strive, succeed
Gain it all, bye, now it’s time to leave…
But now, we’re wasting now

Tags: Personal by Andrew Laine
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Okay, so I’m throwing a contest inspired by something I did earlier today. I want you, dear reader, to post a comment in which you try to form a coherent sentence with as many Frank Sinatra songs as humanly possible. And, just because I’m presenting said challenge, I’ll go first. :P

Come fly with Me to Chicago, My funny valentine, for I get a kick out of you, and I dream of love and marriage, which makes me feel like I’ve got the world on a string in the wee small hours of the morning and they can’t take that away from me.

Total songs: 9

Come on, someone better top that. :P

The rules
-Must include titles of songs sung by ol’ blue eyes in the sentence.
-No stopping and starting a new sentence, if you put a period, your sentence has ended.
-Must make some semblance of sense.
-maximum of 5 words between song titles

The winner of said contest will recieve a “No-Prize”! This tradition, started by Stan Lee at Marvel comics, will get a 21st century update. Make sure you leave your e-mail address when you post so your No-Prize can be recieved. :P

Tags: Contest!, Humor by Andrew Laine
3 Comments »

Just about to leave for work, but these lyrics got stuck in my head. Thought I would share…

Fear falls hard like rain again
washing over me
You say nothing will ever change
what do I believe
You fall deep inside again nothing
left to see
Weakness fills your heart again
you put it to rest

Forfeit everything, you were never strong enough
Close my eyes again the brave in life will not give up

I try to see your face again
a photograph for me
Your voice calling out again
nothing left for me
You try to find your place again
waiting just to breathe
Weakness takes your heart again
you put it to rest
locked inside again
locked inside again
locked inside again

Forfeit everything, you were never strong enough
Close my eyes again the brave in life will not give up
Forfeit everything, you were never strong enough
Close my eyes again the brave in life will not give up

Did you forget about the things i said
Fight the lies inside your head
Deny those who try to bring you down
Kill the pain and emptiness
Find a love and lose yourself
Without this life you’re just a memory
locked inside again
locked inside again
locked inside again

Forfeit everything, you were never strong enough
Close my eyes again the brave in life will not give up
Forfeit everything, you were never strong enough
Close my eyes again the brave in life will not give up

Tags: Personal by Andrew Laine
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“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there’s no God after all,’ but ‘So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer.’”

The words don’t shock me. In my years, I’ve seen more than my share of people questioning God, questioning why bad things happening, or questioning if God even exists. What shocked me about the words was who wrote them. A man who I would’ve considered so steeped in his faith, the he would’ve been able to trust in God through all things. The man in question? One of Christianity’s greatest Apologists, C.S. Lewis.

“C.S. Lewis?” you ask. “The same C.S. Lewis who wrote Mere Christianity? The Screwtape Letters? The Chronicles of Narnia?” Yes, the very same.

A co-worker and I were recently talking about Lewis, and he brought up Lewis’ “A Grief Observed”. His selling point was “This is probably the most depressing book you’ll ever read.” I bought it because I couldn’t even begin to imagine a man such as Lewis writing anything THAT depressing. Boy, was I wrong.

As the story goes, the writings that appear in “A Grief Observered” were from Lewis’ journal after his wife passed away. Lewis, being the writer he was, wrote everything down, and he did so with a sort of solemn gusto. Even his personal notes are incredibly polished. What’s frightening is exactly how depressing the work can be. I picked up the book on a day when I was in an excellent mood, 15 minutes later when I finished the first chapter, I was practically horrified at what I’d read. How could Lewis, a man whose works are counted among classics in christian literature, be saying some of the things he’s said? Just the first paragraph of the book was enough to knock the proverbial wind out of my sails…

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.”

As depressing as it is, however, I think it’s reassuring to read. As a Christian, I think a lot of times people do strike out at God in times where they feel they were let down. I think in reading Lewis going through the same process, it makes you realize that you aren’t the first and probably won’t be the last person to lash out and blame God in frusturation. Afterwards, though, we’re left with a choice. We can either abandon God, as a result of what we percieve as Him abandoning us, or we can call on God and trust in him. Ultimately, if you believe in God, it shouldn’t be hard to realize that his ways are not our ways, and there is a purpose for things happening the way they do. In Lewis’ case, his heart was broken by the death of his wife. But something I observed about broken hearts, is they mend a lot like broken bones. If set properly after the wound, they’ll heal to be stronger than they were in the first place. By the end, Lewis seems more at peace with his loss by the end of it. It’s incredible to think that a man could go through so much and still carry on, yet it happens every day.

Someone who’s story seems to parallel Lewis’, to a certain extent, is rocker Jeremy Camp. He was a widow by the age of 23, his wife, who’d been a cancer patient, was ravaged by the cancer when it came back during their honeymoon. To an extent, a lot of Camp’s songs on his first album seem to be him reminding himself to carry on, such as the songs “Walk by Faith”…

Well I will walk by faith,
even when I cannot see,
well because this broken road,
prepares your will for me…

…and “Understand”.

I know you understand it all,
So why don’t I get back on my feet again?

For those that have not heard, Camp has gone on to remarry, he married the lead singer from the Benjamin Gate, Adrienne Leicshing, and they now have a daughter. His testimony is powerful, though, to have been through so much but to persevere, with things ultimately working out in the end.

I guess things won’t always work out how we plan them, and we might question God over why things happen the way that they happen, but inevitably things work out, even if not how we would’ve worked them out…

Tags: Personal, Religious, Writing by Andrew Laine
2 Comments »

This is something I wrote to basically tell my Star Wars Galaxies guild that I’m not re-upping for another two months, come may 19th, the account will expire and I won’t shed a tear over it…

The sun began setting over Vesania, the night looked as if it would be a crisp one. Nenro sighed as he stepped out onto the front porch of his home. He began the walk towards city hall, his cloak covering his composite armor & the blaster he’d tucked on his waist. So this is what it feels like, he thought.

He solemnly remembered the day that he had moved there, trying to escape a past that would not stop haunting him. Ten years since the death of his wife, and while he’d done everything he could to battle the empire for vengance, he felt that he’d never truly done everything he could against them. His grief consumed him, leaving him with fear. Fear that he would be found out, that the Empire would discover why he was fighting, and to further disgrace him, not kill him. Death would be a sweet escape from the loss he felt daily. That fear led to anger, anger that had begun to drive him mad.

He thought about when he’d begun to remember a part of his past that he’d never remembered before, a part that he had been brainwashed into working for the empire after being captured. He’d become a sleeper agent for the empire, they’d expected to use him in a plot against the rebellion, but he was able to resist the programming and fight back, more violently than ever. He infiltrated the Empire’s sleeper operation on Dantooine and killed the administrator with his bare hands, but his trip there was misinterpreted by the rebels, and they began to mistrust him as well.

He remembered some of the sweeter things in life. There were times when he’d almost found love again, times when he thought that he would be happy again, but things constantly came in the way that prevented him from being happy. Jou’let, the slave girl he’d fallen in love with from the cantina, was freed, only to marry her master’s scaly trandoshan brother. The effects of the marriage devestated him, for he’d thought that she had loved him, but when given her freedom, she chose the lizard. He couldn’t help but wonder if she’d been coerced, but there was no evidence to prove his theory correct.

A tear formed on Nenro’s cheek. He walked to the front of city hall, looked up at the building, then took the scrap of paper out of his pack and fastened it to the wall at the enterance of the building.

“I’m going to miss this place,” he said under his breath. “But this has to be done.”

He slowly began walking towards the shuttleport. The shuttle should be there within minutes, and then he would be gone. Once he was gone, few would remember him, for those who knew him best had left long before. Those who did remember him would move on, in time, left with their happy memories of the time they had shared.

The shuttle came down on the pad, and Nenro glanced over his shoulder one last time to that place which he had called home for so long. Goodbye, Vesania, should we meet again, I will not have planned for it. He boarded the shuttle, leaving everything else behind to pursue whatever it took to finally give himself peace.

***

A city maintenance droid walked out to clean around the city hall property. It was late, very late, the city was only lit by street lamps at this hour. He saw a note attached to the wall. He picked it up and examined it.

To the citizens of Vesania,

Long have I wished for one thing – peace. Peace of mind over the death of my wife. Peace for the galaxy with the end of the Empire’s cruel reign. A simple, peaceful existance where I don’t need to worry about anything.

Anyone who knows me, truly knows me, knows my existance has been anything but peaceful. For years I have fought the empire from the shadows, remaining another annonymous soldier intent on seeing our galaxy fear again. I’ve fought so hard for this, that it began to drive me mad that I wasn’t succeeding.

Many friends have left our city before me, good people who, like myself, needed to go. The galaxy just isn’t how they want it, and the fight, while worth it, is becoming harder every day to maintain. I grow weary of war, weary of hearing the screams of the men I killed when I sleep at night. I grow weary of remembering the acts I’ve commited in the fight, not because I deem them unnecessary or because I doubt my cause, but because every man I’ve killed may have someday been a friend, were the times different.

For now, Vesania, I leave you, not knowing if I will ever return, but knowing for sure that if I do, it will not be something I planned on. I thank you for everything you have been to me over the years, and pray that you may go on with life only remembering the good times we had.

May the force be with you,

Nenro Lapor

The droid took the scrap of paper and placed it in the trashbag, then moved on about its business, uncaring for the note’s content.

Tags: Writing by Andrew Laine
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So last night I finally managed to get a hold of a real live person at Verizon customer service, who was actually quite nice. She was completely unable to actually help me, though, which almost cencelled out her being incredibly nice. Well, today I got another e-mail from the help center in response to the last e-mail I sent. It goes as follows:

Dear A. Laine,

Thank you for contacting the Verizon eCenter. My name is Angela, and I will be handling your request today.

This message is in response to your email dated May 4, 2005. You inquired about trouble receiving your electronic bill. I will be happy to assist you.

According to our records, you elected to receive your Verizon bill electronically through your online billing customer service provider. When you enrolled, the terms and conditions stated that Verizon would discontinue sending you a paper bill through postal mail within 30-60 days from your enrollment date.

You will no longer receive your paper bill in the mail but you can continue to enjoy the online interactive bill presentation and payment services to which you have become accustomed.

Unfortunately, if you wish to continue to receive a paper bill, you will need to discontinue your online bill option.

Our network technician are aware and are working to resolve an issue with the transmission of the March statements. We have processed a $1.30 credit to your account for the late charges billed on your last statement.

You may also register at our web site to view and pay your bill. To register for Verizon’s online account manager, please visit us at:

http://www.verizon.com

Select the Register link on our home page and you will be guided through the registration process. You will need your most recent phone bill available to provide the following information:

* Your 10-digit billing telephone number
* The last 6 digits of your 18-digit account number
* The ZIP code where your bill is currently being
mailed

It has been my goal to resolve your reason for contacting us. I hope I have succeeded in meeting that goal. If you have additional questions or if we may be of assistance to you in the future, please let us know. We look forward to serving you.

Thank you for using Verizon. We appreciate your business.

Sincerely,
Angela
Verizon eCenter

Well, now I’m no longer dealing with Renita, but instead Angela. I guess that’s a bit of a step up, although they all seem to come out of the same e-mail address, and they all seem to be completely oblivious to what I’m trying to tell them… I CAN’T ACCESS MY BILL. And about the whole “you’ll stop recieving your paper bill in 30-60 days” bit… I’ve been recieving both for almost a year now. What are they smoking? I returned with this response…

Angela-

Thank you for your time. I’m still frustrated because, while it may have said 30-60 days, I’ve been receiving my paper bills for almost a year now in addition to my online bill, and now I’m suddenly receiving no bills. At all. In addition, the website that you gave me to register with, as I told Renita, who tried to have me register there, did not work. Therefore, I not only am not receiving bills, but I’m finding myself unable to access my bill to pay it in addition to that. I appreciate the gesture of removing the late fee assessed to my account, but it still does not solve my problem. I can’t pay the bill if I don’t know how much I’m paying. Your system perplexes me, it sends out letters to customers in good standing asking that they reconsider their cancelled account with the lure of a free wireless DSL modem, thus causing said customer to call in a panic because they think someone’s cancelled their account, then the system stops sending the bills to the customer, all the while racking up the customer’s bill because the customer’s too busy to notice that it’s been a while since the phone company’s sent a bill. I don’t care if you send it in e-mail, snail mail, Pony Express, or carrier pigeon, will somebody PLEASE tell me how much I owe so I can pay the bill and be done with it?!

Andrew Laine
Increasingly irritated customer of the day

More as it comes…

Tags: Personal by Andrew Laine
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While war is no laughing matter, I laughed out loud at how true that is…

…or I would be laughing if the host hadn’t removed the image. Nothing to see here. :P

Tags: Humor by Andrew Laine
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…is a good CD. That is all.

Tags: Uncategorized by Andrew Laine
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Okay, so as everyone knows, I don’t have the best luck with customer service representatives at large corporations. If you haven’t heard my story of the Hewlett Packard incident, I’ll blog about it as a alter date for reflection purposes, but right now I’m going at it with Verizon’s people.

You see, about two months ago, I didn’t get a bill from verizon. It didn’t occur to me until almost a month later, when I realized I hadn’t gotten a bill in well over a month. Well, I haven’t gotten e-billed or paper billed, which is the strangest part of all, as usually I get both. Well, my attempts to call verizon’s customer service center have failed miserably (as it happens, they’re open 8-6, Monday through Friday, which are generally days and times that I work), so I finally went to e-mail them. I recieved this e-mail in return…

Dear A. Laine,

Thank you for contacting the Verizon eCenter. My name is Renita, and I will be handling your request today.

This message is in response to your email dated April 30, 2005. You inquired about your Verizon bill. I will be happy to assist you.

We understand your concern, and apologize for the inconvenience and we appreciate your patience.

Your online bills will be sent on a monthly basis,
generally around the same time of the month that you would receive your bill through the mail.

We apologize for the difficulty you are experiencing with your online bill. We have determined that the problem was a technical issue, in our investigation and we will have a complete resolution very soon.

Thank you for using Verizon. We appreciate your business.

Sincerely,
Renita
Verizon eCenter

Courteous, but she didn’t really answer my question. In fact, I’m not sure she even really understood what my question was. I asked if they knew why I wasn’t getting my bills and, for that matter, how I could get them. I replied as such:

That’s just it, I didn’t get the online OR the paper bill… It used to be I got both. Between that and the letter I got two months ago begging me to reinstate my account (which I’d never cancelled) with a free wireless modem (which I was irritated to discover I didn’t get for my troubles after panicking and calling to find out why my account was cancelled), I’m starting to wonder exactly what it is that’s going on with your computer systems over there.

Well, I thought THAT made my problem quite clear, as well as the fact that I was getting a little miffed about the whole ordeal. Well, this is the response I got…

Dear A. Laine,

Thank you for contacting the Verizon eCenter. My name is Renita, and I will be handling your request today.

This message is in response to your email dated May 04, 2005. You inquired about your Verizon bill. I will be happy to assist you.

We apologize for the inconvenience this has caused you.

You are still able to view and pay your bill online at the Verizon website.

Verizon’s Bill View program allows you to monitor your phone usage in a number of ways. You can view your current and previous bills, print duplicate bills, assign calls to groups, sort calls in a number of ways, and identify the individual or organization to which calls were placed (Reverse Lookup feature).

To register for Verizon’s Bill View option, please visit us at:

http://www.verizon.com

Select the ‘Register’ link on our home page and follow the system prompts to guide you through the registration process. You will need your most recent phone bill to register.

Thank you for using Verizon. We appreciate your business.

Sincerely,
Renita
Verizon eCenter

Oh… my… lord. Am I talking to a machine?! This is insane! It’s like the answer came out of a can or something! I follow the machine’s advice and tried to register, only I ran into an error with the website saying it couldn’t process my request. Irritated, I fired off this response.

First of all, when I tried to register, I got to the page after I entered the billing phone number and it said “Cannot process your request”. Second of all, that still does not explain why I haven’t been getting my paper bills. I’ve been a verizon customer for almost four years now, and before now I’ve never had any problems, but as of right now, I’m getting really, REALLY irritated with all of this. Will somebody PLEASE just mail me a bill before I get more annoyed than I already am?

And, as if from the magic aggrivating answer machine, I recieved this response….

Dear A. Laine,

Thank you for contacting the Verizon eCenter. My name is Renita, and I will be handling your request today.

This message is in response to your email dated May 02, 2005. You inquired about your Verizon bill. I will be happy to assist you.

Unfortunately, we are not able to assist you with your request to receive a copy of your bill through email. Please contact Verizon directly at 1-800-483-3000 . A customer service representative will be happy to assist you. Their hours of operation are Monday through Friday 8:00 AM to 6:00 PM.

Also:
You may print a copy of your bill by following the instructions below:

1. From the ‘My Account’ page, click on ‘View Bill’

2. Click on the ‘Print and Download’ link at the top of the page

3. Select the bill you wish to print in the drop down window

4. Choose the Bill Download or Bill Print option you wish to utilize

5. Choose the Bill Option in the bottom right of the window

6. Submit your request

7. Click ‘Print’ at the top of the window that pops up

Thank you for using Verizon. We appreciate your business.

Sincerely,
Renita
Verizon eCenter

It’s like the crazy computerized CSR can’t seem to realize from the last e-mail… I CAN’T REGISTER TO VIEW MY BILL ONLINE! Of she replies with another e-mail that states that whole line of “hello, my name is renita”, I’m going to rite her back and start off with “prove that you’re a human and don’t start off the next e-mail with “hello, my name is renita”. Now, completely ticked off, I fired off this response…

Look, I don’t want it e-mailed to me. I would like my paper bill to actually show up in my mailbox. It might even be nice if my e-bill was sent to my bank as well so I can pay it. Your customer service center is open the exact hours I work daily, oddly enough, which is why I finally had to resort to e-mailing you people about not billing me. Until this point, I’ve felt like I’m talking to a machine the entire time. This is aggravating for me, I can’t get you people when your customer service center’s open, and I can’t seem to get the problem fixed by e-mail. Is there ANYTHING you people can do to make sure that my paper bill is mailed to me so I can avoid missing another payment because your system is screwed up beyond all belief, or will I have to find a new phone company?

Now that I’ve taken the hard-line approach, we’ll just wait and see if I actually get some customer satisfaction…

Tags: Personal by Andrew Laine
1 Comment »

I’ll start this post off with a disclaimer – This post is going to be both intensely personal and somewhat religious. If you could care less about my personal life and hate it when people get spiritual on you, you may as well stop reading now. If neither of the above bothers you, however, read on.

Wow… how to explain. The last couple days I’ve made some realizations about myself that I’m not sure I wanted to make, but at the same time it’s good that I’ve come to make them. I’ve had a week where suddenly all of 12 Stones’ lyrics are making sense and, in one way or another, applicable to my life as it stands, and when pensive rock music is making sense to you, you know something’s up.

It all starts with “The way I feel”, their first major hit. Lyrics in question:

Lately I’ve been wandering off the narrow path
You’ve given me so many things that I never had,
All in all I know it’s you that always pulls me through,
If you reach deep inside, you’ll see my heart is true,

“Cause I hate the way I feel tonight,
and I know I need you in my life,
Yes I hate the way I feel tonight,
and I promise to make the sacrafice…

Things in my spiritual walk haven’t been what they’re supposed to be. The fact is, for someone who claims he’s a Christian, I’ve been doing a lousy job of it the last few months. I’ve cracked open my bible probably twice in the last six months, the only times I’ve ever really bothered to pray have been when I was in danger of losing my sanity if I didn’t. I haven’t been trusting that God’s in control as much as I should. It’s a difficult thing to admit, but I’ve been drifting. I traced it back to shortly before Julie and I broke up in November, and it’s ironic what I think has led me down this path. I’ve been using work as a coping mechanism. It’s not something I came to a realization about until the other day when I flat out said it to a friend and then realized exactly what it is I’d said. But it’s starting to make sense. When I first started getting the feeling that Julie and I weren’t going to last, I poured myself into work. The day we broke up, two hours afterwards I wound up at the Lake Oswego store stocking books for four hours when I wasn’t even scheduled. The more stressed I got, the more I poured myself into work. It wasn’t healthy, but at the same time I saw that, at the time, Laura was burning herself out, and because she was such a close friend, I drove myself harder than I normally would’ve to try and take some of the burden off of her. It wasn’t unusual for me to work an 8 hour shift at Washington Square, then go for four more at Lake Oswego stocking. And I thrived off it, believe it or not.

It wasn’t until working to help open Amber Glen that I realized what I was doing. This time, my justification for doubling my efforts was gone, where Laura and I had a few months to really cultivate our friendship before we got thrown into the fire, in the current situation John and I had about a month to work together before we started out on the journey of getting the store set up, so the relationship isn’t quite the same as it was with Laura. I still tried to do too much, though, and by the end of last week, before I finally got a day off, I had gotten to the point where I was forgetting to write down phone messages, I would catch myself staring blankly at a wall for extended periods of time, and I even tried putting “Newsboys” in the middle of the “H” section of CDs. Throw in the day I collapsed in a heap for my lunchbreak and took a nap in the middle of the floor, and it was obvious I’d overdone it. Two weeks straight, two days off, shortest shift was 9 hours, longest was 16. BAD IDEA. When I finally took a day off that I wasn’t sick or busy for, I basically did nothing the entire day but sleep and watch TV (see the post about watching 8 hours of Law & Order SVU). But it seemed that every time someone did something that hurt me, or cancelled plans on me, or I just got stressed over something not work related, I didn’t address how I felt about it. Instead, I just went to work, worked an additional couple of hours, and ignored it. I didn’t realize how much I’d been bottling until now. The lyrics to the chorus seem to be tailored to me. I hate how I feel, I know that what I’ve been doing isn’t healthy for me, but I’m only just coming to realize it. And lord knows what kind of bodies I’ve probably left in my wake without knowing it.

Next up, we have “Crash”.

As I lie here tossing in my bed,
lost in my fears, remembering what you said,
and I’m trying to hide the truth within,
the mask of myself shows its face again
still I lie time and time again,
will you deny me when we meet again?

And I feel like I’m falling
farther every day
but I know that you’re there
watching over me
and I feel like I’m drowning
the waves crashing over me
but I know that your love
it will set me free…

The first verse is pretty much a description of me. I’ve been having trouble sleeping, I just can’t get my mind to shut off sometimes at night. I worry. A lot. None of it really work related. Just… well, everything else. I worry that I’m going to wind up alone, the fact that I only have a few close friends (it’s not quantity but quality, I’ve always told myself) and I don’t go out and make friends easily on a regular basis, I spend a lot of time alone. Most of my friends are off at school here and there, some in-state a bit farther than I usually drive, some out of state who I really only get to see when they’re home for the summer. I’ve come to the conclusion that part of the reason I’ve poured myself so much into work is because I’m afraid of being alone, at work I’m garaunteed to have people nearby. I’m a closet socialite, I guess, I want to be a social creature but I’m afraid to go into situations where I don’t know anyone and try to make friends.

The chorus hits me hard, I feel like I’ve fallen from where I once was to where I am now, like I’m somehow drowning in solitude and worry that I shouldn’t be in. At the same time, though, I know that God’s watching over me and that his love sets me free. Why have I been having so much trouble accepting that? I shouldn’t be running to work and driving myself into the ground every time I get discouraged, I should be running to God. Marx said that religion is the opiate of the masses, if that’s true, to be honest, I don’t mind being a junkie. I’m not saying that my faith is something I should just use to make me feel better about myself, even the apostle Paul suffered many afflictions in his lifetime. but if I securely re-ground myself in my faith, it gives me something that I was starting to lose – hope. If I live my life for God and wind up being wrong, I’ll at least have lived a decent life, expecting that things can only get better after I die and knowing that I tried my best to impact the world in a way that might make a difference, even if only for a few.

Lastly in my “12 Stones explans Andrew” essay, we have the song “Broken”…

Alone again, again alone,
patiently waiting by the phone,
hoping that you will call me home,
the pain inside, my love denied,
hopes and dreams swallowed by pride,
everything I need it lies in you

‘Cause I’m broken,
I know I need you now,
Deep inside I’m broken,
you see the way I live,
I know, I know your heart is broken
when I turn away,
I need to be broken,
take the pain away…

I think the recent weeks have been something of the breaking process for me. I’ve gotten borderline burned out from working after thinking I was invincible, things outside of work all seem to be shot to heck, God’s putting me to the fire to see if I melt, to be honest. I’ve stumbled, I can admit that, but I’m not going to let that stop me. I’m going to finish out through grand opening at work, and then I’m taking a week off and going on vacation. I don’t know where, I don’t know how, but I’m going. God’s been reacquainting me with how truly weak I am and by breaking me down showing me that I am not all-powerful, and that I’ve got a lot of growing to do.

If you’ve read this far, you’re either incredibly patient with me and bored out of your mind, or you really care enough to listen to me baring my soul for the whole of the internet. I thank you for your time, and just keep me in your prayers. I’ve got a lot of priorities to reevaluate in the coming weeks…

~Andrew =)

Tags: Personal, Religious by Andrew Laine
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