Well, as you remember in our last episode, the supreme court ruled that Squirrels are people, too, and therefore citizens eligible to vote. As a result our hero, Thomas M. Squirrel, was elected president of the United States. His presidency, however, may be short lived for when we left off, two notorious terrorists, Owen Z. Saentz and Omar G. Nin, were about to blow Thomas’ presidential limousine sky high.
The limo pulled to a stop right over the manhole cover under which Omar had placed the explosives…
“Omar! Omar! It’s time!”
“Ah yes, it most certainly is!”
And with that, he pressed the button on the detonator. Much to his dismay, however, the bomb didn’t go off.
“What is happening? I knew I shouldn’t buy secondhand detonator!”
Omar pounded the button repeatedly, to no avail. The limo moved on unscathed, and left Omar annoyed.
“Maybe they found bomb. Here, hold this.”
And with that he handed the detonator off to Owen, who unwittingly stumbled across the problem while Omar was checking for the bomb.
“Well, what do you know! The batteries were in backwards!”
Yes, indeed, Omar had mistakenly put the batteries in the wrong way. Owen went to rectify this mistake just as Omar came to the manhole cover, and when he pressed the button to test it….
This time the bomb DID go off, and it went off right in Omar’s face, sending the terrorist flying sky high before coming to a comically perfect landing next to Owen, who threw the detonator away to keep from looking guilty.
“Owen, it would appear that the bomb was working after all…”
“Yes, Omar, I do not know why it took so long to go off.”
In the mean time, Thomas J. Squirrel was at the white house, preparing to give his inaugural address.
“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day a squirrel would be president., let alone me!”
Yes, indeed, this was a whole new world for Thomas. Dressing in suits, making tense political decisions, and answering to the public of America. His main advisor was a spunky Chipmunk named Charleston, so that when Chipmunks were granted citizenship also he would carry their vote.
“That’s my hometown!”
Indeed, and that is where he got his name, for his parents couldn’t think of anything else to name their children. In fact, Charleston was the youngest of 8 “ Charleston”s in his family, all because the sign for the city was right outside their tree.
“Well, Mr. President, it sure will be good to have a fellow cute fuzzy in control of the country again.”
“ Charleston, there’s never been a cute fuzzy in control before, we’ve had citizenship for three days.”
Charleston was a simple fellow, but he could do two things well: Store up for the winter, and hold his breath underwater for ten minutes. Aside from that, his talents were few.
“Hey! You forgot one!”
I’m sorry, what was it?
“I can also… Errr… What was it again?”
Oh, never mind. In any case, As Charleston was preparing the speech for the president, in a dark safehouse, those two fiendish terrorists, Omar and Owen, are receiving orders from the head man himself…
“Ha! You see, Owen? I told you I live through it!”
“Okay, okay, but I still bet squirrel has you executed first.”
Suddenly, a voice comes from the radio in the corner…
“Calling Omar Nin… Come in, Omar… This is Sixth Wave headquarters, do you read? Over.”
Yes, indeed, it was the feared terrorist group Sixth Wave behind them, not nearly as feared as the first 6 waves, but feared nonetheless.
“Hey, you try getting into this business behind the times! It’s difficult when all the good names are taken!”
Uh, right. Anyway, Omar and Owen rushed to the radio to reply.
“This is Omar, how may I help you?”
“Is the squirrel dead?”
“No, there were technical difficulties…”
“Nin, you idiot! You were supposed to kill the squirrel before he got to the white house!”
“Well, yeah, boss, but…”
“You’d better kill him or I swear I’ll have you shot and your family name retranslated to mean ‘Horrible Fish Smell’!”
“Relax, boss, I’ve got contingency plan.”
“You’d better do it right this time, Nin! Sixth Wave out.”
Yes, it appeared that Omar and Owen would have to continue their quest to kill the squirrel or suffer the dishonoring of their family names.
“Hey, the name ain’t so honoring now, in my native tongue ‘Nin’ means ‘Fleas of a thousand camels dwell in my armpits’. ‘Horrible Fish Smell’ is improvement!”
Ah yes, but what of the contingency plan? Will Omar and Owen succeed in their task, or will their homeland have their names changed to slightly less degrading than they currently are? Tune in next time for “Fleas and Thank you”, or, “Dead Squirrel Walking!”