Part I - The Beginning

Not so long ago, there lived a moose. This moose lived with a flying squirrel, and they went around foiling fiendish plots by spies to…

wait, that’s been done? Well, shoot. I guess that spoils my idea to write a great comedy story

Our story begins with a congressional hearing regarding the increasing population of squirrels. You see, there’s currently a rather gross overpopulation of squirrels in the country, and no one’s quite sure what to do. Some said we needed to send some abroad, countries like Lichtenstein were suffering severe squirrel shortages that year. Others said to just dump them in the ocean, which raised cries of anti-squirrelitism. In any case, things were not looking good for the squirrels until one day, they fought for the legal right to vote, and after a hard fought battle, the supreme court ruled that according to PETA standards, squirrels were, in fact, American citizens and could be allowed to vote. The impact was sudden and tremendous, as squirrels rushed to their local voters booths and elected the first ever squirrel president. That man…. Errr… Squirrel? His name was Thomas M. Squirrel, and he immediately went to work protecting the squirrels from oppression, setting aside the whole state of Idaho for the squirrels and thus giving it the third largest populations in the United States. He united man, woman, child, grey squirrel, red squirrel, flying and tree and ground varieties. And the population was happy, for they’d never had a squirrel for a president before and he knew how to keep them happy, helping the poor store up nuts for the winter, implementing winter-long naps, and making the walnut harvest a national holiday. Yes indeed, the nation was prospering.

But alas, not everyone was pleased with the progress, and some wanted to see the squirrel out of power. For as we speak, there are two mysterious figures on the lawn watching the president’s motorcade go past, Owen Z. Saentz and Omar G. Nin.

“How does he know our names, Omar?”

“Weren’t you paying attention at the beginning, Owen? He said he’s the narrator!”

Indeed, and at any rate the two seemed to be up to a dastardly plot, for in his hand Omar held an insidious looking detonator.

“Ah yes, we just wait for Squirrel to stop at that light, then I push button and ‘KABOOM!,’ we get rid of Squirrel!”

Oh dear heavens! What will become of Thomas? Will Owen and Omar be successful in their fiendish plot to assassinate the president? Tune in next week for “The Flying Squirrel”, or “Who Shot Thomas Squirrel?”